DAY 59 – It’s Hard To Say Goodbye

I have not blogged for a week. First, it was due to work, then it was laziness and then I fell sick. But mostly, I was too sad to feel like writing anything.

Latte, my hamster was diagnosed with skin cancer late last month. It is devastating to know your beloved pet is sick and there is nothing you can do about it. It’s heartbreaking to see him getting weaker day after day. His wounds are getting worse too.

I prayed every night that he will pass away in his sleep so I don’t have to make the decision to put him to sleep myself. I just couldn’t bring myself to kill him, even though it breaks my heart seeing him in his condition.

I see him trying to go on his days as usual. Doing the same things he used to do. Just a lot slower and his appearance is a lot different. I don’t hear him squeak in pain but in such condition, it must be painful.

You would have thought because you are doing it for their own good, it would be an easy decision to put your pet to sleep. It’s the rational decision to make. Your pet is suffering and you make the merciful decision to put him down.

It is not.

It is hard because Latte didn’t tell me to kill him and it is hard because he’s such a fighter.

Latte’s a real timid hamster. I remember once I sneezed in my room and he got so shocked, he jumped and smacked himself right on the cage wall. That thud was way louder than my sneeze. From that day onwards, I had to be careful not to frighten him with my sneeze again.

But he’s a fighter. Even in his weak condition, he’s still eating, still busy building his little fortress of tissue papers, still getting on his wheel and try to walk, still dragging himself to pee at his pee corner and still stand up on his hind legs when he knows I am about to hand him his favourite treats. It’s a habit of his. Every time I see him looking up, I know he’s expecting his favourite treats. And I’ll give it to him. Come to think of it, it’s more like I was the one taking his cue to feed him.

Sigh… It is hard to kill something that still has a will to live.

Anyhow, I made an appointment to put Latte to sleep. It’s been a depressing past week. I just wish I get to bring him to the nice vet but that clinic is way too busy. I don’t want to be waiting to kill my hamster for 2 hours at the lobby and crying my eyes out.

Another clinic with good reviews is fully booked so I had to settle for another clinic. I hope this vet is good and Latte won’t feel any pain. If not, I’ll break into the clinic at night,  remove all the animals and then BURN IT DOWN.

I hope I can bring him tomorrow and end it once and for all. If I can’t, then I’ll have to arrange for the next day.

And don’t anyone say anything like “It’s just a hamster” or “With the medical fees, you can buy 10 new hamsters”.

I’ll hate you.

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