God, More Coffee?

Another post from my previous Friendster blog. Really brought back a lot of memories. Written when I was really down during my last uni days. I was suddenly so worried about my future and felt so bad after breaking someone’s heart. Looking back now, I realised that time do heal and we do forget, not the memories but the heartache.

It’s been a long time since I wrote anything on my blog. I seem to have this reputation of starting my blogs with this line, don’t I? Oh well…I told you so. In the moment of a really long absence of any news of myself, I have been really, really busy. Wait…it’s more like really, really, REALLY busy! Not busy physically or anything…it’s more like really busy emotionally. Worn out I would say. Nothing could be worse than emotional hectic. Busy with work I can handle but busy with feelings…that’s a totally different story altogether.

A lot has happened. It would take me forever to write it down. It’s been so long, I would have forgotten most of it anyway. I always have these intense thoughts in my head but I never seem to hold on to it long enough to write it down. So many lost memories and revelations. I don’t have anything specific in mind but I just felt the urge (after so long!) to write something down. Maybe all these emotional hectic is really bothering me that I need to spit out something — anything.

It’s funny really. I never realize that someone could actually be emotionally busy. I am sure stressed out with all this `heart’ work. So many different feelings and emotions in a span of like what…10 seconds? What is it that is really bothering me? Boys? Study? Life after graduation? Getting older? Jobs? Assignments? I really hate it when I don’t know what is bothering me! I can’t pinpoint one that is the actual cause of my emotional haywire. Maybe it’s ALL of it!!! Some say it’s PMS (maybe…since I am having my period) but I seriously don’t think PMS hit you like weeks before and after your period. I have been feeling like this for a few months now. Maybe the reality of me graduating soon finally sinks in.

Maybe I am not ready to move on to the next phase of my life. Not yet at least. Too many things to do and a hell lot of things I will miss. I guess I’m getting a bit too comfortable with my current studying-still getting allowances from parents-no responsibility-do anything I want phase of life.

Maybe I am afraid of the uncertainties I have about my life out there. It’s a dog eat dog world out there you know! I always felt that is what ADULTS tell you so that you will suffer from the `how on earth am I going to survive out there?’ syndrome and you will eventually fall for their trap — and STOP having fun! Since I am practically surrounded by adults like these – I am quite well prepared – armours and all.

But that just don’t seem to be the reason. So what is it? I mean I am kind of excited that I will be going for a new ride but then…I don’t know. Maybe I haven’t enjoyed myself enough on this ride. Like a little child who just wouldn’t get down from the merry-go-round – unless someone offers her ice cream! Maybe I fear I will NEVER have the same fun EVER again. Maybe I need to be sure that something better — like ice cream is waiting for me after I come down from the merry-go-round.

When I tell people how I feel…they will give all sorts of advice and acted like they know me more than I know myself. Maybe they do. Maybe it’s me who don’t know me. Maybe I need to get myself `figured out’. This is seriously hard work and I think I am better at figuring other people out.

You know, sometimes the best liar and pretender is ourselves. Lying to yourself, you never need to worry about getting caught but you will soon forget which is truth and which is not. Lying to oneself is not like you force yourself to accept something at one go…it’s like denying little truths, making yourself think things the way they are actually not, all those `maybe’ or `what if’ — or worse, way…too much imagination! I think if you don’t stop it, the lie or cover up will become bigger and bigger and bigger — and without you realizing it, it becomes YOUR TRUTH! It’s like eating ice cream out of the tub, you know you should stop but you just don’t! What harm will another spoonful of ice cream do? By the time you realize it, you have finished the entire tub! Then you will start to moan about those burned calories from the morning jog that you have just `replaced’.

I wonder how it will be like when you are totally lost in your own truths? What about those who thinks there’s no absolute truth? MY truth is THE truth when I feel it is THE truth? What about shutting out your own feelings? What about those who prefers searching for answers on the outside rather than inside? What about throwing away your heart’s desires just because others say something different? What about that stupid habit that I have of having to ask almost everyone about what they think when I need to make a decision? Is denying your own feelings lying to yourself? What about denying the TRUTH that doesn’t fit our TRUTH?

Thinking about all these things makes me wonder, does too much input causes us to sway from our pathways? Maybe, deep down we know what we want to do and should do but the assurance in ourselves is not strong enough that we need to seek it from somebody else? And when the assurance doesn’t come, we tend to doubt? We might even not do it at all. Maybe we just need someone to blame just in case things don’t turn out right. It is always easier to share the burden of losing. It just makes us feel better that others has the same opinion or would have done the same mistake as we did.

So does that mean…TRUTHS and ASSURANCE should come from within us? Follow your heart – I heard this like a trillion times. But is it really PRACTICAL? What if we make up false assurance and truths? Oh…if only we know how DECEITFUL and confusing our hearts can be. Just in case you don’t remember, my HEART is the cause of my emotional hectic at the first place!

So have I ever lie to myself? I would be lying if I said no. I am very much my true self but somewhere in there, there is this big confusion about what I want in life. I always tell myself to do or at least try to do what God has planned for me (which I am SURE is the BEST!). The PROBLEM is I don’t know what He wants me to do! Or maybe I know but I am in denial? Another case of lying to myself.

Sometimes I really wish God would just appear in front of me and tell me what He wants me to do. But if that were to happen, I will either faint or get so scared that I will DEFINITELY do what He says. If I were to faint, it would be a waste of God’s time to actually show up — He will have to wait for me to wake up and if I do, I would most probably faint again! If I didn’t faint and do what God says, I might be doing it out of fear…I mean who dare to say NO to God when He’s standing right in front of you! It would be like I am forced to do it!

But come to think of it, God does tell us what to do. But it is always our choice whether we want to follow or not. Or worse, we don’t even hear God! Wait a minute, is it worse to hear God but do not obey Him or not hearing Him at all? Sometimes I think people shut God out so that they can do what they want – minus the guilt. Then, it would be so much easier to blame God when bad things happen.

“God! Why didn’t You TELL me earlier?”
“I did. You weren’t LISTENING.”

God, please forgive me. I am guilty of this at times.

Fuh…never thought my need to spit out some stuff would come to this. I guess writing is good. Kinda make me think. Maybe the solution to this emotional hectic of mine is not going around searching for answers but to be still and listen. I remember complaining to a friend of mine about how I was feeling and all she said was “Pray, Wailoong, pray!!!” I guess that’s the best advice I can ever get! I’ll do just that! God, prepare your biggest mug of coffee…HERE I COME!!!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.

– PROVERBS 3:5, 6 –

* IF YOU NEED ASSURANCE, GET IT FROM GOD! *

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